Marriage. How many of us spent years of our childhood fantasizing about what getting married would look like? We picked out the perfect dress, location, decor, you name it, we had it planned. Some of us even had an image of what our husbands would look like. So much time spent in fairytale land. Years later, we’re finding ourselves married, some parts of our fairytales have come true and others haven’t.
The truth is that marriage is hard, but it’s one of the most precious gifts. In Young, Dumb, and Married I shared what God has been doing in my marriage from the very beginning. I’ve even shared marriage advice from the perspective of a young wife and mom. Listen, living through a pandemic has tested our faith, patience, and our marriages like never before. If you’re finding yourself feeling like your marriage is hard, you are not alone. Here are a few practical tips to help you get through this season.
3 Tips for Taking Action When Marriage is Hard:
#1 Consider Counseling
#2 Connect with Trusted Friends
#3 Press In
Consider Counseling
According to Choosing Therapy:
- In a study involving 1000 couples, 49% said they had attended some form of counseling with their spouse.1
- The highest percentage of couples (57%) in therapy had been married 3-5 years.1
- From the same study, 52% of those who had not tried some form of marital counseling were open to trying it.1
- According to Dr. John Gottman, a relationship and marriage expert, couples wait up to six years after problems start to see a counselor.2
- 55% of couples are in therapy for six months or fewer.1
(source)
I found these stats interesting because, for most of my life, counseling of any sort had a negative connotation. These numbers show that the concept of counseling is becoming more widely accepted. As it should be. Counseling does not mean that you are “less than” as a couple.
In fact, it states the opposite.
The Bible boasts scripture after scripture about the importance – and wisdom- found in seeking godly counsel. Proverbs 15:22, Proverbs 13:10, Proverbs 11:14, just to name a few. Our culture puts so much emphasis on “ME” and not enough on the power of “US”. The power of using our gifts and experience to serve someone else. While you should consider counseling when marriage is hard, you also need to be sure to find a counselor who has biblical wisdom. If their office highlights “peaceful divorce” more than it highlights Jesus…you should keep looking.
Connect With Trusted Friends
I remember going through a hard time in my marriage a few years ago. Feeling alone, heartbroken, and desperate for change, I confided in two of my closest friends and received drastically different advice. One friend focused on my strengths and abilities as a woman. She told me that I was capable of caring for my kids alone and making a new life for us and that I didn’t have to be “stuck”. The other focused on who I am in Christ. She reminded me that it honestly wasn’t about me in this moment. Now, she wasn’t saying my feelings were not valid, she was saying my feelings were not MY GOD. She helped me focus on the covenant I made before God and the glory to come from persevering.
Both friends had valid points. I needed to feel secure in myself. To feel strong, capable, and loved as an individual. I also needed to hear the truth- that marriage doesn’t always feel good, but it is good, and there is a purpose bigger than the present circumstances.
While they both tried to encourage me, only one spoke biblical truth to me. When you’re finding yourself needing to talk through what you’re experiencing, make sure you confide in someone who is not only trusted but deeply rooted in truth and can steer you in the direction you should go. You are so vulnerable when walking through a hard time in your marriage and you need to be able to trust the God in whomever you are confiding in.
Press In
When marriage is hard, pray even harder. So many times our first response to trial is to run to our friends to vent or start looking to the experts for their advice. I do it too, beautiful. But, I’m learning to go to my Father first in the good times and the bad. To know Him as the only friend, expert, and resource I need to get through this moment. Set aside time daily to pray over your marriage and the situation you are facing.
This is also the time to carve out time to talk to your spouse and not push him away or go silent. Maybe not in the moment, but when the time is right and you both are ready, talk to each other. Press into each other with all of the disappointments, feelings, and frustrations and take it to the Father together.
Focus on the Family offers a great collection of resources for having these hard conversations.
What do you do when marriage is hard? Comment below! I’d love to hear your tips from your experience!
XOXO, JD
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